For this upcoming month of May I've decided to challenge myself beyond the limits of my willpower. I would really love to commit to a 30 day water cleanse. However, I think it would be better for me to start with a smaller number. I just need something to change the way I feel, look, and think. All of the research I've done on water cleanses promise some form of growth as a result. Mental clarity, stronger spirituality and willpower, healthier skin, hair, and nails, and of course-weight loss. In an effort to gain back the passion I once had for books, story telling, and art...I hope with my senior year winding down I can allow myself time to fall into another world the way I once did through novels. When I look back at my artwork from high school it makes me want to cry sometimes. I used to be so talented, and even now I can remember the way the hours passed like seconds whenever I was sketching or painting. The time I used to spend writing my own stories, whether it be in young authors competitions(that I won a few times!) or in my own journals for the heck of it. I could literally think of a character and go off putting pen to paper for days. Now? Nothing. When I attempted to take a creative writing class here at Knox during fall term senior year, it was like pulling teeth for me. I even found myself turning in old work (shame I know). I just need that spark back. I need that mental clarity, that artistic sense-ability I once possessed. And not for recognition but just for me. The same way this blog is just for me. College has really been draining for me. I feel lost and with no direction, and for the most part...I feel as though I lost a lot of myself along the way. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned, both in and out of classroom, and hopefully for the job security having a degree will offer...but is any of that worth losing the things that used to make me so happy? More than anything I'm afraid I'll never get it back. That I'll be reduced to listening to music alone in my room as some form of therapy and daydreaming my life away. I know that I alone possess the power to get stuff done for lack of a better term...but it's harder than I thought. My willpower used to be so strong and it's faded immensely. That's why I'm hoping this water cleanse and the introduction of daily writing tasks will refuel something in me that died out years ago. Fingers crossed.
Love,
Lane.
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